


Under Water

by Hawkeye733



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Near Drowning, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-06
Packaged: 2018-03-29 09:02:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3890431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkeye733/pseuds/Hawkeye733
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke suffered a trauma in the past that is brutally brought back to her mind in an incident along the Wounded Coast. Can Fenris help her, or can he stop her doing more harm to herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under Water

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for near death/drowning and panic attacks. If these may be a problem, i would recommend you stop here

It should have been a routine excursion down the coastal path. It could even be said to be going well, she and Anders had taken to shining light into some of the caves to flush out anyone hiding from them but there had been no ambushes, no fights and little excitement. Until they heard a noise in the distance. Fenris looked up first, elven ears attuned to fainter sounds. But the cry came again and Anders, Isabela and Hawke all turned towards the small island.

Silently dropping into a familiar formation, they crept towards the path down the cliff, leading to the narrow spit of land bridging the water across to the island. Now there were definite rustlings and commotion coming from the other side of the hummock of earth in front of them and Hawke turned towards the others as she crossed the bridge, signalling a plan of attack, split two either end and catch whatever was happening in the middle.

As she turned back something flew out in front of her, firing up from the location of their prey, accompanied by a harsh squeal. Hawke leapt backwards from the sudden eruption, putting a hand to her dagger even as she discovered there was no land behind her. Instead she was falling and an icy chill engulfed her.

The water slapped onto her back, closing around her face, suddenly drawing up her nose and choking her throat with the painful bite of saltwater. The chill pressed on her eyes, which she belatedly closed and felt the raw sting itch and seethe behind her eyelids.

She tried to pull back, kicked out and found nothing around her to hold onto, only the push and pull of the currents moving her one way and then the other and not giving her a chance to figure out which way was down, which way promised air and a way out.

Another breath as her mouth fell open to shout and her throat was instantly filled, an acrid taste and no air anymore, she was coughing, spluttering, with no break in between, the constant choking and no escape.

Then she felt something catch onto her. Were they pushing her down? She couldn’t figure out which direction she was going and her mind cried out to all those years ago. She was fifteen again, held under the surface and she couldn’t get out, a weight pressing down on her chest and stopping her from reaching the surface. She struggled, tried to get out from under it, the flow of the river only managing to pull them both along together and she was still trapped, no air, no survival, just drowning, choking on endless, relentless amounts of water never letting her go.

Her head breached the surface. Water was still in her eyes but she coughed all that was in her throat out and breathed in a wet gasp. And another. Air.

She sputtered out what was in her nose and lifted a hand to rub her eyes. An arm around her waist limited her movement and she looked down to see olive skin, white lines.

She blinked rapidly, clearing the water and the lines blurred into focus, tracks of lyrium she knew so well. Her feet dragged on the ground and she realised, there was something to put her feet on again. She stretched out and planted her boots down, reassuring herself with the steady ground, the reliable air she was breathing again, still coughing out some of the water itching in her throat.

She heard laughter, seemingly so out of place and she looked up to see Isabela had climbed up the mound of land and was looking down on the other side. Anders was still stood on the land bridge, looking down as Fenris helped her out.

Even as they stepped up the rocks and out of the water completely, his arm stayed wrapped around her middle. She placed her own across it.

“It was a nug, Hawke.” Isabela snickered down from her perch. “There was an hawk after her babies and she was squealing at it. The most ridiculous sound.” The pirate then looked down and though she was still smiling widely, something dimmed in her expression as she saw Hawke’s face. A slight frown creased her eyebrows and Hawke hurriedly tried to smooth her own expression, slowing her mind to piece together what had happened.

Right, there had been a noise. Based on the relaxed way Isabela and even Anders were standing, she guessed she hadn’t actually been underwater for long at all. Maybe only a few seconds that seemed they had dragged on for a doomed eternity.

“That’s what flew up in front of me?” Hawke clarified from Isabela’s amused account.

It seemed simple to relax in the warm sunlight, her friends laughing cheerily around her, as she felt Fenris’ arm around her waist begin to ease. Hawke laughed at how silly she must have looked, jumping like a shrieking Orlesian from something as normal as a bird and it helped her shrug off the panic that had reared itself, pushing it back down where her memories of that accident lay, rarely reawakened. She felt her cheeks reddening, the mighty Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall, bested by a hawk.

She turned to Fenris, his head close behind her own, and she pressed his arm gently away. “It’s fine. I’m fine.” She whispered and he dropped his arm back to his side. Still, she didn’t miss the reluctance in his eyes and smiled slightly to make him accept her dismissal.

They turned back towards the city and after a few minutes, when she began to shiver in the wind, a weight dropped around her shoulders. Looking in confusion at Fenris, she found him scowling wordlessly through a haze of feathers now on her shoulder. The unmistakeable feathered pauldrons showed her that it was Anders short blue jacket she was now wearing, and she smiled gratefully over her other shoulder at the mage.

“Thanks Anders. Nothing like a sea breeze to really cut through soaked clothes.”

“I’m here to help.” He replied cheerily, but she didn’t miss the flick of his eyes towards Fenris, likely still frowning at the mage. Hawke rolled her eyes and stepped pointedly towards Isabela instead.

>>><<>><<>><<>><<< 

It had been a few days since the incident on the Wounded Coast and sure enough, Varric and Isabela had been quick to embellish stories of the incident, though on her strict instructions, the re-enactments had only been shared amongst their close friends.

When they heard word of some creature in the caves of Sundermount, Hawke decided she would set off this afternoon, stay the night and head after the creature in the morning. The journey into the hills would likely take up most of the remaining daylight and they had no other immediately pressing business to fix.

 They arrived at the site they usually stayed on outside the Dalish camp and set up the tents. As Anders began to make a fire and start gathering supplies to cook dinner, Hawke stood and stretched, before deciding to take herself for a walk.

It was pleasantly warm, clouds fleeting across the sun as it slowly moved towards the horizon. She found a path that led through a narrow pass and followed it, light snaking ahead of her across the rough stone walls. An echoing trickle of water drew her attention and she turned into a smaller gully to discover an idyllic mountain pool, barely 30 paces across but fed by a stream coursing down the glistening rocks that rose steeply from the water.

With no more than a cursory glance over her shoulder, she quickly stripped down to her underclothes. It was simply too beautiful a bathing location for her to pass up the opportunity. As she dipped a toe in the shallow edge of the water, she let out a delighted whoop. Clearly the sun shone directly into this gully and the surface of the water was pleasantly warmed.

Hawke paddled over to a submerged rock ledge where sunlight was still glittering across the surface ripples. As she lay back, the water lapped around her skin, soaking away the worries that came with championing the mess that was Kirkwall.

A low chuckle startled her eyes open. She twisted her neck around to see a familiar elf smiling down at her, eyebrow raised tauntingly.

“Excuse you, I’m very busy here.” Hawke admonished as she returned to reclining against the rocks, closing her eyes once more.

“I can see that. I only thought you looked like you could use some assistance.” She heard Fenris shuffling, an unbuckling of armour straps announcing his actions.

“Well I suppose I can find something for you to do.”

“Is that right?” His feet splashed onto the rock next to her and she made a noise of protest at the light splatter that hit her, forgiving him immediately when a shadow crossed her face and Fenris’ lips brushed lightly over her own, curving up in a smile.

They leaned into each other, relaxing in the late afternoon warmth, a peaceful, still moment like this more precious than an oasis in a desert. She felt Fenris shift before he spoke.

“The other day– at the coast,” He started and Hawke stopped herself from tensing, simply opening her eyes to study the grey walls surrounding them, the sky with its wisps of cloud. He waited a moment to see if she would stop him, then took his lead from her lack of protest. “It’s not about the water then?”

She pushed herself up a little, so her head was higher against the rock behind them and she could turn to face him without getting an eyeful of water. Letting out a long sigh, she gathered her thoughts and reached for his hand, twining her fingers through his, a small anchor of contact.

“It was an accident when I was 14. One of the farmboys was teaching me to ride a horse, had been for a few months and I…got cocky.”

“You? I can’t imagine that.” Fenris drawled and she snorted, lightly knocking his own hand against him in reprimand, but a faint smile touched her lips, as had no doubt been his intention.

“I pushed the horse too fast, before I was ready and started cantering, thinking I was the most gifted rider in the history of riding.” Fenris rolled his eyes at her grin. “But there was a river I forgot about. The horse stopped dead at the bank, I flew straight over its head but I must have clung onto the reins. As I landed in the water, I yanked down and – the horse fell in on top of me.”

She closed her eyes and clenched her free hand. Despite her glibness, the recent incident on the coast had stirred those memories rather closer to the surface than Hawke was used to after this much time. “I can just remember the panic. Not being able to get back up to the surface. Thinking I was never going to breathe again. Now, any time my head is under water, that’s what I remember.” She was staring out across the dimming surface now, the sun falling below the level of the cliffs. Fenris let her talk it through uninterrupted. “I feel like I’m being held under and I…panic.”

 “I still love water. And swimming. Maker knows you can’t tell Bela about this.” She glanced swiftly up at him, already knowing that he would do no such thing. “I just don’t like my head going under.”

“It’s understandable.” Fenris spoke for the first time since she had begun. She lifted her eyes to meet his, not seeing the judgement she might have been expecting, just his calm, emerald gaze. The face she knew she could rely on, had relied on through more difficult times than this. The man who had unfailingly pulled her out the water the moment he saw her distress down on the coast.

With a slight crease marring her brow, Hawke looked down at their hands once more, a thought occurring to her. She always found her balance in Fenris, he was always by her side in a fight, had kept her steady through some of the darkest moments in her life. She felt this had been a dark shadow holding her in the past and right now, she wanted Fenris to be her anchor again.

“Will you-,” She twisted her fingers in his, pulling herself closer to him, resting her chin on his shoulder, looking at the lyrium coiling up his neck, “Will you try this with me?” Now the idea was in her head, she knew she couldn’t let it go. She slipped off the ledge, Fenris following and keeping hold of her hand, until they were paddling idly to stay afloat in the centre of the pool.

Hawke turned to face him and took hold of his other hand.

“Hawke, are you certain about this?” Fenris wasn’t stopping her, he was simply checking she was ready to try and she smiled tightly at him, breathing slightly faster than usual but resolve firmly in place.

“Just, let me try.” This was it, she was going to fix this problem that had always held her back, here and now, she just needed to concentrate hard enough on it. She met his eyes and he nodded, warmth and encouragement radiating from him. This was why she knew she could count on him.

She focused on the sight of his intense eyes gazing back at her, fixing them in her mind. She took a deep breath and, not allowing herself time to reconsider, dunked her head under.

 _His eyes. Fenris_. _Focus,_ Hawke told herself but even as she tried, the panic kept rising, gripping at her insides like an icy chill. It was all building up, ready to engulf her just like the water itself and then- Fenris squeezed her hand. The panic withdrew, she came back to the present. It wasn’t gone, she felt it still clawing in her memories but it was – manageable. She could focus on the now - a calm mountain pool. No rushing water, no weight on top of her, just the gentle pressure of Fenris’ hands. She squeezed back and raised her head to break the surface again, slow and controlled.

And gasped in a long breath.

She was shaking, she could feel the jittering all through her mind and body. But she hadn’t lost it completely. And that was its own kind of magic. She smiled at Fenris, shaking her head to stop the water dripping over her eyes. Curiously, the elf didn’t seem to share the excited joy she was feeling. Instead, he had a frown on his face and was staring at her cautiously.

“I did it!” She announced, in her mind trying to clear up the dark look on his face. “It wasn’t so bad!” Was her voice echoing strangely in this gully, it seemed higher than normal.

“Hawke…”

“Look, one more time.” She pulled away, just as he pulled against her, stopping her head from dipping under the water again.

“Hawke, no.”

“Fenris, let me do this.” She tried to laugh it off but the sound somehow cut off in a strangled gasp. “Just trust me.”

She pushed off him again, faster with a sharp inhale before ducking under water again, before he could stop her, giddy with the feeling of being so close, of success.

With the force that she had pushed herself away from Fenris, she felt his hand slip from her fingers. She reached back frantically to grab for him in the same place. His hand wasn’t there. It was a familiar terror, the blackness closing in around her vision once more.

The bright calm of the sunny pool was slipping out of her grasp and she felt herself falling under, being pulled deeper by the fear.

But there in the blackness was something. The curious glow stopped her breath, only a moment before the cry of helplessness left her lips.

The light swam towards her out of the murkiness and she saw the ephemeral flickers of it across her still outstretched hand. Behind that point, like the world had slowed down, the light began to condense and formed into a shape. Layers and lines of blue. A spirit emerging from the shadows. But somehow she found she recognised the patterns, a dim voice in her mind told her to focus on them.

A hand touched her own, the light spreading up her arm, touching her face. Lifting her up.

The air broke over her head and she drew towards the glow of safety, taking a gasp of air, arms wrapped around the warm body, eyes turned towards the trails dancing and fluttering on his neck, down his back.

Somehow, staring down at the blue, calming, knowing they meant protection, she found herself on the rocks at the edge of the pool. She had her legs over other legs, arms wrapped around a body and his arms on her. One smoothing circles on her back, the other buried in her hair, drawing her even closer than she had wrapped herself.

“You’re a fool, Hawke.” Fenris’ voice came softly from above her, she felt a kiss on the top of her head. She nodded, as much as she could manage with her head held between his hand, his shoulder and his neck. He was all around her and she held on, couldn’t let him let her go.

She couldn’t say how long they sat there. At one moment the lyrium illuminating their close tangle of limbs began to fade. Hawke made a quiet noise when the lights went away and in seconds, after she felt Fenris shift slightly, the ripples returned and played across their skin, over her arms on his back, dappling the glistening rock around them, replacing the light shimmering across the water as the day started to fade towards sunset. Her eyes followed the undulating movements of them, finding the rhythm, feeling it all around her.

Only as Hawke let her arms relax their vice-like grip did Fenris began to talk. He didn’t have childhood memories of his own, so he told her stories of the Fog Warrior children he had watched playing among the trees and camps. He recalled snippets of stories he had heard from Aveline or Sebastian and he even repeated stories Hawke herself had told him of Lothering and life before. He talked until she stopped feeling quite so numb, even began correcting him on details of her own memories that he had incorrect, or she had only just remembered.

“Thank you, Fenris.” She eventually whispered into his neck.

“You may thank me now.” He kissed her hair once again, lightly stroking fingers through it as it was almost dry again, “But I can promise you, once you’ve had a good meal, once you’re warm again and all of your terrible humour has returned, my calm will fail and I will have words with you about your bone headed stupidity, Riona Hawke.”

“Food sounds good.” She deflected. Fenris scowled.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, my Hawke can be more than a little impulsive and stubborn and not easily dissuaded. Poor Fenris may be damage control more often than he likes.  
> Hope you enjoyed and feedback on panic attacks/how you think it came across is encouraged. Concrit welcome


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